Disclaimer: Generalizations follow. If you are not one of said men, don't bother getting your knickers bunched.
I suppose it's just the way they're wired. Men that is. And the way they seem to prefer to focus on the darker, imbalanced aspects of life; eschewing any evidence of light and love. Cyclically they do this...all the while wondering why they attract even more darkness...drama. Crazy.
And fucking boring. Now, this is not to say I want some loopydeeloo butterfly catching mf, but I would like someone who knows the value of seeing the white and gold as well as the black and grey. Someone righteously appreciative of it all. Seems like most times, the males are imbalanced in the negative direction. That is fine, as long as I'm not directly involved in it. I refuse to bear up anyone's pain anymore...martyring myself for an empty cause. What good does it do to focus my attention on void hearts and misdirected purpose?
My mood yesterday was...dark, I will admit it. But the shadowy aspects need love too. I felt a fleeting sense of guilt; not wanting to add to the outside fray...though inadvertently. But then I realized...I was harming none; therefore still in obedience of the law. My dark is slow...sensual...introspective. There's a prowling energy there...black panther.
And when I do choose to spring upon some hapless man, no doubt he will be sprung. IF he is in a position to receive.
The cycle must be broken; my system defragmented. Out, out, damned daddy issues! I want no more emotional unavailability. No more commitment-phobes. No more "let's just live in the now" types. No more ones with trust issues. No more he-man woman haters. It makes no sense to go into another interaction with a healed heart, and come out with one just as broken and bruised as the one I was dealing with. I deserve a fuller deeper sort of reciprocity. I demand.
I used to think that if I was just patient enough, if I worked on myself enough, then the object of my affection would just suddenly wake up one day and see me in a new way. A true way - in absolute entirety. Now I know that if the lost ones choose to stay that way then not a thing in this world could sway them...even I.
At this point I have nothing else left to prove, to any man. It should be patently obvious what I'm about and how I roll in all matters of love and devotion. It's not my job to slosh through the sludge left behind by some other broad who is certainly not me. And could never be...
Because I am a woman unto Herself. Energetically individuated, but yet a full and joyous participant of the whole. Obligated to none but the One. And if I never find a man that overstands me in full, that's cool. However I remain hopeful, in spite of the disrepair I view all around me. Ma and Pa will it.
In this lifetime or the next, someday; in a miraculous and unexpected way, my Prince will come. And I'll be ready. In the meantime, I plan to take spinsterhood to the next level.
Why not play Parvati?
Posted by Lisa at June 15, 2008 03:45 PM