inside looking out.

After the shit went down the other night, some asked if I was ok. This of course made me giggle, since I know it's because I cried.

Yes I cry when I'm super pissed. I know know...how mortifying is that?!? Lol. But that's me.

Rarely am I seen in that mode; not because I play shady with who I am. It's simply because I hold myself to high standards of self-possession and control.

But when old girl put her hands on me, I blinked the fuck out. Went primal. Maybe to others it seemed like she was just playing. But to me it was straight up offensive action. It wasn't playful tussling, it was manhandling. As well I perceived a sort of irrational hatred and resentment that I felt was completely misdirected. I wasn't the one that triggered her anger (don't get me started on the true backstory to this), but I certainly became the target.

There are only two responses to that sort of interaction: fight or flight.

Once you become aware of a negative pattern or feedback loop, it's your responsibility to break it. You do this quite simply by reacting to the pattern in a new way. So what rose up on her was the part of me that was tired of being the pack mule, the whipping girl. I can be as compassionate as Mary Mag herself; but Eye-sis ain't really trying to hear it. She's on that tough love shit.

I walked away, not because I was afraid but because I knew a) I was in danger of becoming imbalanced and completely wrecking shop; and b) even if i had rationally told her what my issue was, she wouldn't have wanted to hear what I had to say. Folks that are committed to being victims very rarely want to take responsibility for their actions. They're so negatively narcissistic that they have no earthly idea how their actions affect others; nor do they care. They're real prone to say shit like "you know how I am." Or "That's just what I do."

That is fine. I'm a pretty accepting girl, and I'm all for folks expressing their individuality. But I certainly won't let others put graffiti all on my canvas. No soul has the right to harm or even control another soul. That's that dark, ignorant energy that I try to keep at bay in my life. So when the shit goes down, I'm all for wielding my light saber. Yes I prefer to do it peacefully...but sometimes you have to give folks more of a jolt than that.

I think I felt guilty for all of two moments because she did some typically lost one shit and tried to flip it like I'M the one that overreacted. Completely refusing to understand my side of the game. When I pointed out that she doesn't like people to put their hands on her she came at me with some ole "I've been abused!" type shit.

Ok...so I'm supposed to give you a get out of fuckery free pass? Sheeeiiiit.

When I responded with "I'm not trying to compare sob stories with you" she walked away. Which of course made the apology empty. It's backhanded when folks express supposed remorse, but end it with a "I thought we were better than that."

Well that's what the fuck you get for being asleep.

Currently I'm rocking that No-Doz steeze. It requires that I constantly separate chaff from wheat and own up only to what is truly mine. I get off on self-responsibility. But once I've integrated the lesson, there's no need to go all broken record; talking it out and constantly wondering about what others' motivations were. It is quite horrid to live in the past that way. Nostalgia is one thing, but pulling out pain like it's some pretty bauble to be admired is a bit...masochistic. Fuuuuck that. I've been there, and all I can say is - as addictive as that darkness can be, you're better off tossing it into the alchemy cup with all the other bullshit. Find the golden mean of those moments and things will go a whole lot smoother.

At any rate, constant misunderstanding has been a theme in my life; which of course means it's something to be transcended or merely accepted. One can't be all going around sleepytime mfs and not expect to be challenged...or even charged at.

Umph. Just one more thing I have to charge to the old game.

Posted by Lisa at May 27, 2008 05:27 PM