One of the things I had to own up to some time ago was how much I'd been dimming my lights in deference to other folks. More martyr shit. I'd consciously made this decision many years ago, because anytime I tried to be completely authentic...there was so much damn resistance. You're too this/that/crazy/weird/manly/freaky/off/etc. I had mfs more critical of me than I was of my own damn self!
So what I did was adjust my frequency. It became a force of habit - be whatever version of Lisa they felt comfortable with; then go off into my sanctuary to let all of me roam free. Typical loner behavior. Writing and music became an outlet of expression; and I was content to play in my secret garden. To hold my own personal truths to be self-evident.
I could say that was wrong, but that would make me judgemental of me and um...I can't have that. It was all part of my unfolding story. I'm grateful for the ones that came into my life to help me reveal more aspects of myself...shit I didn't even know. More than the sum of my parts I used to say. But those parts needed to be found and reclaimed. Accepted.
The thing is, the minute you feel more whole not only do you feel driven to always represent yourself in full, but you also expect others to come correct. What I've worked to overcome is the disappointment I feel when people don't. I cut folks slack because I've been there; I know what it's like to be operating from a point of low clarity. The vast majority of people fake it until they make it. Which is cool...if you're actually trying to grow.
But what about the others? The ones that never own up. The ones that are glib and unrepentant about what they do, even when what they do harms other souls. The ones that make absolute statements about how they roll or how they feel, but never really follow up with right action. What about them?
These are the lost ones. Trapped in the loop. They resist transcendence and betterment, so they've become immovable objects. They're always faking. Because they play games, they think everyone else is playing games. So there's always some tactic, some secretive machination, some lies, some manipulation. War maneuvers.
But I won't even front like I haven't done the same thing. I've played that game because I thought I had to. That's just the way it is, I said. Either you play along or you become an outcast. So I've wavered many times...between just doing me and swallowing the blue pill and pretending to be like everyone else. But deep down inside, I've always, always just wanted to be seen in my entirety and appreciated.
That's a desire I had to cast aside.
I believe in full enjoyment of life, and part of that does involve game playing. But what I've done is switch it up so that it suits me. We'll call this the game of allowance. That means I allow you to think whatever you like, and it won't bother me one damn bit; because I know in full who I be. So go ahead and believe my innocence and openness means I can be easily duped. Neglect to notice that I'm also wise as a serpent and more or less cannot be worked. Attempt to seduce me...you might succeed if I so choose. Go on and lie. Make grandiose statements that you can't back up. Keep secrets. Do your own universal thing. Shit, rock it.
And I'll be watching it all...amused. I love observing human nature, and of course talking about it. Bad or good it's all the same to me. I can dig you without you having to dig me. I can see what I see of you, even the parts that you believe to be hidden. And if you can't see me in full, I'm not going to hate on your myopia. That just means I'm on some unknowable, unnameable shit.
Kinda like S(he) is.
We're not on this plane to become perfect, boring people. We're here to perfect what it is that we do. So as long what you're doing doesn't affect me; as long as you don't attempt to trample my garden you're cool.
And even that is changeable. Any good artist respects the interplay of light and shadow. So I'll just say - feel free to come at me with some old school combative shit. I might be Malcolm, or I might be Martin.
You'll just have to take your chances, won't you?
Posted by Lisa at May 27, 2008 01:54 PM