I had a friend once; who for years I fancied myself very close. And then he went through some things and I went through some things...
Man...we changed. Got lost in the dross we were supposed to be tossing into the crucible. Believing all the outer lies told until lo and behold we stand before each other...
unrecognizable.
I remember the day I woke up. Thread fraying, when he said to me - "The less people know about you, the less they have to use against you."
And the little voice inside me said, "But I'm your friend. Can't you trust me?"
Outside, I said nothing. Too caught up in the unraveling...mourning the beginning of the end.
In retrospect, I see now the severe imbalance of the relationship. I never doubted for a moment his love, I could feel it. But our interactions were always on his terms. I openly giving - love, sex, affection, money, time, passion, compassion; more. He - simply loving me in whatever way he deemed appropriate. Putting just enough bait on the line to keep me hooked. Telling me who I was, and getting mad when I wasn't. I had to get in where I fit into his box, or get out of his life.
I was addicted to the former, but chose the ladder. Up out of that bullshit. Tired of being just Lisa. Shit, let me molt in peace. lol.
Since the shit went down, I've drained the chalice of we down to the bitter dregs. Left the memories out in the sun until they all became golden. So that I can now say - I appreciate the time you were in my life. You gave me so many pieces of the puzzle it's crazy.
My fellow Earth sign, who showed me fertile ground.
Posted by Lisa at April 15, 2008 07:21 PM