i can't help but to laugh, because everytime the shit goes down, i'm caught sleeping. slipping. slacking on my j.o. being all water, never knowing that quite shortly i might have to fiyah bun the whole fucking building down. bust this shit to its white meat compound because obviously...
you ain't heard me the last time i said this shit.
really and truly i am not down for the vicious circle. and yea i coulda sworn this has happened before. wait...wasn't that you who took the good vibes this connection generated into the material world to be played out with a more "suitable" individual? and that's not even the dig/rub...though i will freely admit to havin been jelly in the past. transcended that.
what kills me is how i am never deemed important enough to know about these life changes until the festivities are either in mid-swing or - slowly dying, as they seem wont to always do. and i'm left feeling stupid and way out of the loop. like ok...should i do a happy dance because once again you've controlled the rate and flow of the growth of this relationship by being secretive? my tree of life becomes willow and droops...hurt but surviving.
i've done it without you many a time; have at times thought you completely disinterested in me...so i got to the business of moving on. though i welcome you each time, i honestly don't why you keep coming back. you speak so glowingly of me when away, but around i'm always reminded in small cutting ways just how exactly it appears. how outside looking in i always am.
when i'm up there though? things look different and i'm amused at just how driven you seem to display to me just how much i don't know you; when i've long since realized that i don't need to know shit about your outer skin. honestly i don't care. i feel you, and that is why i've always worked to forgive and move past...even letting you play the game of waiting until shit has blown over and coming back like nothing has happened.
now i see that the peaceful tactics have solved nothing. rarely is there true resolution, so much as the matter is buried. until the ground shakes and the bones start to show.
let's get to the marrow. you've never even taken the time to really know and feel my side of the story. like really...look.at.me. how many chicks do you know would be willing to lay their earthly desires aside just to be near you? on some forever friendship shit. and not just near you but doing for your ass. every day, any way i can to repay you for what you've done for me. ever grateful.
but you've taken me for granted. many times. you assume that i will be there for you when you call, that i will rush in to soothe and pet when your feathers are ruffled. but there have been times...anguished hours in the middle of the night and...i reached out for you. but you weren't there.
and it hurt.
you speak hardcore of being open. but on an occasion or two when i've called you on your behavior, you've instantly deaded any righteousness i might have felt about it by guilt tripping me with the whole "i was living my life" spiel. and it's not that i need you to humble yourself, it's just that i need these apocalyptic soap opera scenes where you end up HAVING to humble yourself so we can move on...
well i just need it to fucking stop.
i can't deal with the confusion that you cause within me. and take some responsibility for that please, because yes sometimes YOU bring that energy by not being direct and real about me pertaining what you want. and with all veracity, i can say i have no idea what is so hard about it. i'm very flexible, you know.
i try to be here for you, but if i keep feeling parts of you pushing me away...i'll let go. loose me from this awful experience of having to watch this relationship rebirth itself from the ashes...and then again fall from grace. i'm trying to shatter paradigms, not go down with them. fuck devolution.
when we come back, inevitably we are stronger, but how many times will you need to test this connection to see the simple? i'm all the way down for you. i always have been. that you don't want to take it in a particular direction is...regrettable; but nothing for me to die over. well...anymore, cause i ain't hardly gone front. yea...i'd hit it, but passion does what it does. it works on you like that.
however, you are more to me than some willing crutch or an object of affection. you're my friend. and all i want is for us to be that and do our on the road thang. shit i'm tired of waiting.
is you down or what?
Posted by Lisa at March 17, 2008 05:18 PM