Och, where to start? A wordy lass I can be, but even the most imaginative groupings of consonants, vowels, and syllables fall short of describing...the all of it. I'll just say this -
Know that I've never doubted the way you felt about me. The love was always too real, too solid for me to deny. It helped me build an inner life that carried me through the darkest of times....
But conversely, in those dark times there were moments that I felt alone. Wronged and wrong. I castigated myself for falling in with someone unprepared; channels not clear enough to receive. I understand that it looks different to you, because you've never denied my right to love you the way that I did...do. However, the invitation that I extended to you grew yellowed, curled at the edges. And when you created distance, I curled into myself; trying to find some solace in my visions, my dreams, all the things I was being shown. Somewhere...we've made love under the stars. Somewhere...we have a little girl whose face left me in thrall. Somewhere...I was bold enough to ask you to marry me.
So real this imagery was...I felt as if I was there. At times, I didn't want to wake from those dreams that felt more real than this waking life of mine. I know you better....there. I know the real you.
But, I couldn't very well come to you and say these things. Wasn't strong enough, could not have bore the pain if you called me crazy. Again.
Such heroic efforts I've expended trying to rid myself of these un-platonic feelings. I've raged and wept. Begged to be let loose of...
I guess...the way I expand in your presence. How I spin at the base, heart, and crown. There's nothing friendly about this heat, the vibration and cosmic pulse. I marvel at how the years have passed and yet I only seem to feel you more. Oh, how I burn for you still. Feel empty. Want you to fill me, kiss me, touch me. I get to feeling all golden and honey and just want to pour mySelf into you. Would like for you to taste me and..just how sweet we can be.
Chile...you.just.don't.know. How this Two As One thing really works. How loose-limbed and lipped I feel in your presence. How I wilt when you're away too long. How I bloom upon your return. You are the only person on this earth that I feel that I need. And I just can't...I can't get away from that.
But I will never impose. Overstand that. Recognize my reticence and silence as respect for your journey. Your choices. Yeah I fantasize because sometimes I miss the thrill of the chase. I love the human-ness of earthly desire. And I'm not afraid to say that I want the acknowledgement, pursuance, and resolution. The Psalm.
Regardless, these days I live in the flow and the know. Things will unfold as they are meant. The story's still being told.
So while I do enjoy penning my own versions, mostly I just wait...and watch.
Posted by Lisa at November 28, 2007 02:54 AM