Last night I felt this dark, dark energy rise in me. Uncontrollable. It hit me so unexpectedly that I got up from the computer for fear that I would blow some odd gasket. It was primal and deep that way. Rage.
My fucking ego...protesting loudly because it knew...I'd finally got that motherfucker by the balls. And when I decided to let go it would cease and desist forever. But before I did there was one more question. Who goes there, in that last dark space? Tell me what I need to know.
I paced and I waited...thought deep. Cried when it came to me. Picked up my pen and simply wrote it out...ether to paper. It's funny because at first I had only one person in mind whilst writing. But before I fell asleep this morning, I took a few steps back and saw it for what it was - I was writing to release all of it...back to the beginning.
All of them. The ones that feared and because they feared...they fled. But before they fled they fought. Told me ugly things or blasted me with so much cold I had no choice but to turn away. To let my visions of happiness die. Old self would want to blame and hate them forever.
But really..it's about me. Who I was I to let them interfere with a reality solely mine? Who was I to believe myself a fool, a liar, a cheat, a freak, a slag, a bitch, a slut, a ne'er-dowell just because they said so?? When I handed over my will, I handed the pen over to them. Much mightier than the sword. Because I allowed them to take my story, smudge the ink, insert points of fuckery, and more or less fuck the plotline up. Striking out things I knew to be the truth. My truth.
This was bigtime bad-gunky that had to go.
The thing I've been hung up on for a while is that fear of being deemed "crazy" for simply being myself. Speaking my truth. Fearing the consequences; because the more I learned, the more I knew that I might lose someone along this path to overstanding. For now, my experience isn't common so I have to be careful to whom I speak. But to who I speak I must be clear and firm. The only way to anchor myself firmly in this new reality is allow the truth to crystallize into belief. Faith.
Once this happens you become unassailable. Nothing can enter you or defeat you because you know from the toes up just who you are. I was in the womb with this shit, now finally feeling seconds older. I'm getting it, and the more I got the stronger I become. And no...no one could fuck with this. Ever again. And if you lose someone then that is just the way things have to be, and are supposed to be. Trust.
I've been coming to this point...slowly but surely. And as the intensity of the Change has built, so have the situations that reflect to me lessons to be learned. I'd been searching for this; knew it to be the last stretch; knew the karmic knot between he and I had to be loosened lastly because the we-space always brings that divine intelligence in droves...
Posted by Lisa at November 16, 2007 08:58 PM