For me, it's always been anger that brought the tears. Though now it's...deep wracking sobs that cause my ribcage to tremble. Ripping through me gale-force, pulling up all the bad things. Insides screaming banshee. Outsides oddly quiet.
I've a right to my rage...
When I sit and wonder why it was so hard for you to just be straight with me. If you had just come out and gave me the facts unvarnished I would have taken it on the chin. I'm strong that way.
But you...
You moved out in the middle of the night. Real sneaky. Took your things from the house one by one. I saw you the whole fucking time. I watched you leave me...
to die. to ACHE with loneliness. to bleed out. to wonder and play with the puzzle pieces you'd cast before me.
Appropriately I felt like swine. for a time at least.
all the pretty words ring hollow now. made flimsy by the actions that belied the everything I once experienced.
I've got a right to my rage because
You have NO.fuckinG.idea. how it feels to walk in these shoes. None. To know that you have opened yourself up to something beyond your previously petty human understanding. To surrender and be open as the sky. To know and to see and to feel...
You don't know because you never even took the filter off. And because you couldn't feel, you certainly couldn't believe, could you? No faith there, as much as it was talked of.
I understand your side of the game, but you OVERstand mine. That was my fucking reality which you glibly ripped to shreds. Lumped and discarded as illusion. Told me that I've been living in that house alone all this time. All this time and I was apparently just talking to a ghost; a glamour. Or even worse...just myself.
oh....hey. so it's just me here? right. feeling stupid and alone. for ever wanting to hand over the keys. you never even wanted in...or so you would have me to believe.
Now I trust me...now I know what I know. Thanks to you, I know that to allow one's truth to be knocked off its very axis is self mutilation.
I know this poison will pass out of me. I will transmute. But for now I need to feel the burn, that stinging rush through my veins. This be that royal flush. This is the force I will use to push you into the box with the others. No worries...it's not a bad place.
Isn't it where you really wanted to be?
It's safe there, after all.
Posted by Lisa at November 16, 2007 02:54 AM