As much pondering and postulating I do about my ideal relationship, it came to me that I've already experienced something of the blueprint for it. Now those who know the details of my last serious relationship might be quick to disagree; but eff them. Y'all know how I feel about perception.
We had no idyllic life; no pastoral scenes for me to look back upon and sigh in reminiscence. But what we did have was equality. From the first time we met, it was if there was a silent agreement that indeed we were equals and though there might be some role-playing in the master-slave direction, bottom line the truth lie undisturbed. Our power level was the same.
I would liken our relationship dynamic to that of (divine) children. We played together, sang (badly), danced, laughed, explored. He taught me some new tricks that I still use to this day, and I'm pretty sure I did the same for him. Yes we had drama, caused of course by that dreary emotional luggage that we drag into new relationships, but all in all I can hardly hate on the big picture. The lesson learned was that it was indeed possible to interact with a man not intimidated by my intelligence and sense of self.
To say that he stripped me of my self-esteem with his words and actions would be a complete lie. Looking back, I realized those issues of low worth were already there; instilled from childhood. He just happened to have the serum that brought the darkness out of suspended animation. Certainly he made a choice to manipulate the knowledge of my weaknesses, but I also made the choice to withstand the punishment. Our insecurities worked in tandem; almost separately from our true selves. Interesting to watch.
And wholly necessary now that I think of it. How else to rid yourself of darkness if it never experiences exposure to light?
That experience and others after it have reinforced my current position on why a lot of romantic relationships run amok - it's a power imbalance. And no, I'm not going to engage you in some feminist rant, cause I'm more a people-ist. Everyone should be able to sense and embrace their own power. Not in an asshole, megalomaniacal way...but then again that's a personal choice.
What I'm saying is we have to let go of the dominant-submissive routines that we sleepwalk into relationship after relationship. Seems like we love nothing more than to give our power away to those we love the most. Even if before love comes we are independent and self-assured, all that seems to fall by the wayside once the masks come off and smudge and goop is revealed. Depending on where we are in our own evolution, we're either the martyr or the petty tyrant. We're either taking it all and failing to reciprocate, or giving everything but the kitchen sink whilst receiving very little in return. Somebody's always loving "more" and wanting to get all beleaguered and shit when the love ain't returned. Staying the course and becoming more and more miserable; feeling stripped and burned out. Insides rubble and outside rabble rousing, trying to guilt the other party into "acting right." Then of course taking all that resentment and jaundiced eyesight into the next relationship.
Good ole vicious cycles. I'm all for spiraling, but a chick better be moving upward. Otherwise, no dice.
Everyone has a "dark" side. Mine is really clingy, really needy, prone to martyrdom, and constantly wants to lay blame on all the cats that have been in her life for her supposed bitterness and cold nature. Now she's basically past me, housed inside my etheric body so that I can always go back to that particular part of the library. Reference that point where I didn't really like myself. So yes I embraced that aspect of myself; but let's just say I bear hugged that bitch tight enough that she went unconscious.
No worries..I didn't break anything. Just pieced it together and put her on a shelf.
Because I've been there, I can say yes it's extremely hard to let go. Of it all. The "need" to be with someone, to share your life, to have really good sex on a regular basis, etc. It's not so much about getting to the point of "I don't need a man." More like, "Hells yeah it would be nice, but I'm not about to play myself yet again for the sake of so-called love."
And we humans do that a lot don't we? As much as we can say that we love ourselves, we'll play Joan of Arc in a heartbeat for the "right" one. Fire burn all our common sense in the name of proving devotion. But bust how the right one would never ask that of you. The right one will revel in your ability to maintain your individuality/opinions whilst still giving wholly and passionately. Added bonus - they will return the favor. So though I certainly have no interest in attaining a PHD in Spinsterhood, I would wait into the next lifetime for my ideal partner.
Better that than playing Miss Havisham with some mf that has the emotional/spiritual maturity of a Tazmanian devil.
But that's just me. You do your own thing.
Posted by Lisa at November 6, 2007 10:10 PM