"Your blues ain't like mine," she sighs. I see the horizon in her eyes...happiness she believes she'll never reach; but she can't stop looking nonetheless. Longing. "You just don't know..."
Well maybe I don't but I'll say that I've written a few nice ditties in my time. Chock-full of pain and tales of love lost and found. The songs may sound a bit different, but all in all it's the same damn thing - misery. And ain't shit original about that. No new ideas, only new ways of making them felt; so sometimes I want to ask all the heavy sighers and complainers to please stop acting as if they hold the patent on heartache. Who ain't been abandoned, cheated on, lied to, abused in some way? There are no new stories...just different ways for the plot line to play out.
No sympathy for the devil I say; it being a negative thought-form that we have allowed to burgeon so out of control that we actually believe that shit exists. And doesn't belief power existence?
I think when someone reaches a certain age or maturity level, then it's not even about "them" anymore. The evil-doers, the ones that took advantage and cast you aside or whatever other amalgamation of fuckery you can think of. I'm of the opinion that there's a statute of limitations on blame-placing. How long before the "he/she/they/it hurt me" line begins to ring hollow even to you? How long before you realize that your life is the manifestation of your choices? When I say this I mean in terms of grown folks' realm; 'cause only children can be true victims.
And even some of them don't allow it.
These days my new "religion" consists of taking personal responsibility for everything. EVERY.THING. Once you've bitten into a few bad apples, then you just oughtta know what they taste like, so don't blame nobody but yourself when you greedily gobble it up and once again get food poisoning. And if/when you place that blame, immediately take it away IF you recognize there's something deeper within you that allows or might even want you emotionally and spiritually sick. It's the whole self-love/worth thing again, isn't it?
Getting grown is about going into the abyss; all the way to the bottom of that landfill in which you tossed your hurtful yesterdays; hoping they'd be out of sight, out of mind. And they are for the most part; until the universe sends you a little trigger point. Forces you to examine, and examine, and examine some more. And now...now is the time whether you want to or not.
Ha. Therein lies the rub; i.e. plot twist.
Now, I don't mean to sound glib, because yeah I been through some shit most of you wouldn't believe; but I always made the decision to flip the script and learn from the majority of my mistakes. That's why although I empathize with everyone's plight; their individual tussles; I know the greater truth - ain't shit I can do for them. Nothing. I can guide when asked, share my personal experiences, send my condolences, etc. but the great work has to be done by them and them alone. We are all self-sovereign individuals and just like our free will can't be interfered with; neither can we attempt to meddle with others. So try a new tactic - be there for them, but don't die alongside them to prove you love them (pure love never asks for sacrifices of that sort; it's always a choice).
And if you do choose to die? Well then that just might mean you don't love yourself enough to stay here and be an example to those that want to live. Dig that shit. Heavy I know, but the best lesson a former martyr like myself could have ever learned. Take notes if you want, but again I ain't hardly here to preach. I'm just sowing my seeds...practicing projecting my voice. ;)
Kerouac said, "No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy, even bored solitude in the wilderness, finding himself depending solely on himself and thereby learning his true and hidden strength."
Could wilderness be those undiscovered portions of the inner self? I'd like to think so. And I'm all for everyone taking a nice vacay from "real life." A camping trip might do you good!
Posted by Lisa at November 6, 2007 02:03 AM