what the cups?

The Two of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in compromise. I am not alone. I offer and accept love, support, and happiness to connect with the pleasure and beauty of my hearts desire. There are two sides to everything and I don't always have to be right. I am empowered by expression and my gift is attraction.

Ha. Quite the switch up from yesterday's card, but I shall take it. Who needs a trite storyline? Give me a plot twist any day!

This afternoon I had this dream that was so...real, so VIVID that I woke up with my lips tingling. Nether regions a-twitter. Achey and bemused. Thoughtforms swirling; I felt like a babbling brook. Restless, I moved to get up; to skim the fatty word substance off the top. Let off, you know? But first...ahem. Being me, I quickly shut my eyes; tried to plunge myself back into the same realm I'd been yanked out of since I wasn't...quite....finished. But alas, 'twas not to be.

Dammit.

And how was your day?

Mine was...interesting. 'Twould seem that Ma and Pa Universe were conspiring to trump my 3d rationalization of my feelings. Dark Angel mini-marathon in the morning. The nephew parading his stuffed bunny rabbit in my face every 5 mins. The tv show where ole girl's dead husband still left her Post-It notes around the house.

Schweet.

My response was the usual, "ok I get it." But what exactly am I supposed to do with it? I've spoken about the integrity of my intent. I would never seek to downplay or minimize his impact on my life. I would take no actions, no words back because all that and other things brought me here. He is important to me, no lie. But even more important was that I dismantle this thing, so that I could be around him without feeling uncomfortable in my own skin; with none of the guilt, regrets and whatcouldas. It's the wanting that hurts; the knowledge that regardless of how far my dreamscape may stretch; when awake and present this reality is what it is.

So what I did was trudge into that dimly lit corner, where those feeeelings weren't quite resting in peace. I gave them a proper funeral. Expressed gratitude for what they did do for me when they were young and spry. Cremated them and put the ashes in a nice pretty urn. I heard it makes for good fertilizer.

And I do have a Garden to tend.

They say you're not supposed to step backwards, but what if the back was better than the front? I just needed to get to that spot I occupied before my earth and sky flipped, and this burning need arose to have him lay beneath the flowers with me. I wanted that old feeling back, the days when I looked at him differently; my eyes not jaundiced by energy from those lower chakras. White and indigo over red. No more expectations and judgments.

I had to do this for my own peace of mind. Because I can't tolerate limitations anymore. Self-imposed.

All in all I appreciate the little reminders; they only confirm my knowing. Still, I did make a choice that I'm more than happy to live with; given the possibilities that I now sense. The various potential permutations of my story that I've made possible by taking action as right as I know it to be.

Now? Well, now I just have to wait for the rest of those flowers to bloom.

Posted by Lisa at November 2, 2007 06:59 PM