to the other side.

The Three of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in truth or consequences. Denial or control is no longer an option and I am ready to experience a breakthrough. My suffering, fear, or emotional loss is/was valid, incredible and deserves to be acknowledged and expressed in order to heal or transform the sacrifice. I am empowered by recognition and my virtue is choice.

Energy swirls and continues to increase in power as the days pass. I know not what to expect from day to day, but the fear is long gone. I'm ready for it all. The past weekend was nothing short of powerful. So tired; listless; on the edge of weepy just when I thought I'd reached the bottom of my well of tears. A glance at the calendar tells me I can't blame this on PMS, so I look inward. And there lies my underworld, unearthed and exposed to the light.

Here it is, and this can either be a final examination or a piece of the mirror that I push back into the shallow soil; knowing that one day it will once again work its way upward. I will stumble upon it again and perhaps it will cut my foot in the same spot; re-open the wound and force me to re-experience. I don't want that so I look through the glass darkly at old Self. I think and...I ponder. What is it, I ask? What do I need to learn?

I ask and receive the answer. Remember those words I'd turned away from. Hadn't fully dealt with, for the sake of maintaining a sense of peace between we; however lacking in depth.

I am not responsible for your illusion.

Oh those words...how they gutted me, as the truth so often does. Sad because...my house of dreams was crumbling. I know now that if back then I'd had clarity; had taken those quantum leaps of overstanding; had grown properly; I would have agreed with him wholeheartedly. I would have said - No...no you are not responsible for my illusions, but you certainly co-created the dream, whether you meant to or not. But no blame lives here...and any anger is self-directed (how does a girl as intelligent as myself sleepwalk for so long?). Even that short-lived, consumed by the fire of gratitude. Because without you, possibly it would have never occurred to me that I could have those things anywhere other than within the confines of my creative womb. I would have never thought to wonder, to long, to yearn with all my being for more and more and more. Would not have even considered there was another being on earth who could love the way I do.

So for all the time I spent in love...I thank him. Hope he feels that gratitude even when I don't verbalize. The feeling is deep and true. As is my love. No I'm not in it anymore...but life is too beautiful to feel anymore than fleetingly regretful about that. I know with certainty that my real thing is coming.

I've always been the type to dream. Have even freely admitted that I entertain notions and illusions knowing that the reality probably would not measure up to my passionate creations. But it was fun to be that way...when I wanted to be that way. When feeling safe from potential harm was the priority. However, once I begin to feel the sun of my own strength and power, the seed that he planted began to bud. I felt it growing, and with it grew the need to make this inner life I'd created my outer. He being the nearest object of affection, I projected and projected and projected. Girded my loins and threw my emotional hat in the ring.

No, it didn't turn out so hot. But rejection is a risk that we take in The Game. The growth that followed made even that pain worth it. Really.

Now that I know I deserve it all, I know that I will get it all. Everything that I can even begin to imagine. Reality is a personal thing, and while I want paradise for everyone, it's my own Garden of Eden I have to attend to first. By consistently forgiving and loving Self. By not making excuses for anyone. By sticking to my guns and my bum to that throne that was given to me at birth. And there's an empty one right next to me, made especially for him. No worries while waiting; he was programmed to make himself known. Fashioned to meet me on equal footing...when ready. I get that there doesn't have to be that push and pull; that I no longer have to plead my case.

Mayhap there's an art to love and war. But peace and being still? That is the magnum opus.

Posted by Lisa at November 2, 2007 01:23 AM