I felt two-way, until I realized I wasn't the only one. How many times over the years have people that cared looked at me; shook their heads sadly; and wished for me to just "get it"? That I would suddenly see my qualities, realize no bad ones exist, and accept myself in totality?
Acceptance. Funny that we want this for our loved ones, but the vast majority of us fail to do this even for self. We live so outward-facing. Much easier to talk about someone else's problems and issues whilst neglecting our own (I know from experience). The ego does a mighty good job of rationalizing the "faults"...with a little sprinkle of fatalism just so you'll believe you can never change. And by change I speak not of the superficial...losing weight and creating a new persona. No, I'm talking about doing something as daring as loving yourself with the same intensity you would the missing link to your soul...if you knew them. Selfless and with no fear.
Save for sociopaths and the like, I think everyone has a primal need for improvement. However, when life-living has dumped guck upon your soul, the voice becomes muffled. Distant, and easily ignored. More important things to do like make money, accumulate a collection of labels, or find some meaningless relationship to whittle away precious hours in. Typically inward seekers are more prone that find after a time the voice is getting louder and louder. Asking how is that you're SO grown, but you keep finding yourself in some shit you ain't hardly want to be in? And just when the fuck are you going to get off this miserable carousel ride you call your life?
Now me, I'd been in a constant state of self-improvement for some years and self-awareness had increased greatly. So I thought I was good, to the usual Capricorn point of telling others what they should be doing. And then some shit went down and I...I suppose I regressed. I remember all the old "bad" feelings bubbling up - the sense of inadequacy, trust issues, a super deep fear of abandonment, neediness, anger, bitterness and more fear. Shit I thought I'd conquered, but realized it was all just buried.
And no I ain't hardly want to deal with it. However, I was summarily forced. Now I realize why they call the parting of deep soul connections the sacred separation. All the intense mirroring leaves you confused and in a constant state of blame-placing. While you are attempting to clean house and balance energies you won't resonate with ANYONE; not even the one you love best. It is ALL about you, so there will be no hiding in breeze shooting and mindless pursuits. No.escape. So perhaps you just better deal.
I ain't trying to tell you how to live your life, but I will say that once you emerge from the battle (victorious) the parting gifts are EXCELLENT. 'Cause now...now you really know just who you are. Inside and out. Not only that, but you discover a love that gives you strength. So yes down the line you will trust enough to be vulnerable, and yes you may be hurt. Possibility. But you can say with certainty that never again will you be damaged. Or broken.
Powerrrrrr.
Soul awakening was the deus ex machina in my storyline. Seems so textbook and trite - heal thy inner chile and all else will become clear. But that's exactly what happened, after many tears and sleepless nights. Even when I felt "better", there was still much sorting to do; a brief integration phase in which I refashioned the knowledge received to make it work for me. Finally I feel...normal in a nu way. A super good way. I'm a write-y type so I feel the need to share my journey...with all the bumps, scrapes, and bruises kept in for entertainment value.
I may be only one drop in the oceanic universe...but who knows what ripple effect my words may cause?
Posted by Lisa at August 14, 2007 10:00 PM