I just wrote in my journal - "Shit my days of man chasing are OVER." That is a deep statement for me, because no I've never been the type to run behind a man the way normal chicks have done it. Fighting other hoes and stalking and shit. But I have FOUGHT for some of my relationships. You know how it goes. You get mad and you say some things and they say some things and everybody is hurt. Fall silent and the wound nursing begins. Distance grows to almost uncrossable. Before it was always me that - realizing the greater importance of the friendship - would hustle to make amends. Apologize profusely. Do whatever it took to set things right. And I don't regret those past actions; the end result (love) made the effort worthy.
Honestly though, I can't think of one situation in which I felt strongly like someone was fighting for me. Never felt that anyone has anyone has ever fully awakened to my purpose/role in their life; and been appreciative enough to transcend pride to save the connection. In a way I can't hate on that, because I'm the one that planted the perception that I was fine with putting energy into the savior role. I made it easy for them to just wait it out, you know? Whether they were doing it consciously or not.
Things have changed. Now I'm in the mode of - "wait a minute, I'm some shit too!" Deserving of the same respect and honor that I give so freely. Shit that's the kind of reciprocity I need. No you don't have to love me as deeply as I you but damn...show me that you know who the fuck I am sometimes. I don't need my ego fed, but even plants like a little loving attention now and again!
But if I don't get it I'm good. I've perfected this method where I take the love I sense from them and make it mine. Therefore even if they walk away, I already know what it is, and it's my energy to do with as I wish. I receive mostly from the giving, so I say - suffer my intense devotion, dammit! Ain't shit hard about that. It doesn't hurt or nuffin.
I've been cleaning up karma for most of my life and yeah I'm a bit weary. A good intellectual debate will surely leave my knickers squishy, but I don't want to argue. I don't want to play who's the boss or who's "right." I'm more likely now to respond to some senseless fuckery with - "Ok, but you love me and I love you. What were we arguing about again?" All this distance and discord and ego clashing is straight up 3-D chicanery. My soul has stated it's wish to do the talking and the walking. I'm totally cool with letting it have its way.
I'm on some L O V E shit...'tis true. Call me a hippie, but all I want now is to live in it and be it whilst getting shit DONE..preferably with another. There's a synergy that a "we" could create that would move mountains. I feel this and in softer moments of course I yearn. However, life keeps moving. Knowing that my path is not an aimless one, I've loosened my death grip on the need for certainty. Logic is for solving math problems and the like...not for this.
Took me long enough to get that though.