I've always seen you; spied the light even before the first word was spoken. In awe of the All of it...so I wonder as I watch from afar - what more is there to show? Have I missed some trees whilst enamoured with the forest? Is there something else that needs to be said? But words...
Words are paradoxical - powerful when used in intricate inspiration but yet and still inadequate in conveying the deepest truths. Stories half-told. And even they become twisted, as ego casts its shadows upon the heart. The truth is never bitter - you love me and I you. But confusion and fear lend themselves to obscurity. In this evolutionary storm we became a laundry list of frailties - fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of the unknown. Unseeing and untrusting. Unlistening...
Listen to me. You know me because you know you. You know what we do. When I hurt, my base reaction is to hurt back. And hurting you hurts me but...the real pain, the keenest pain is that you would hurt me in the first place. Brought my worst fear to me on a platter (again) - that it's just been me in this. That clearly I've worked myself into a tizzy, one which you had nothing to do with. True...I fell in love on my own, but. Those words...they crushed me. I bowed out gracefully until the silence became a cacophony of questions. Why would you say that? How...how could you accuse me of such things? Can't you see that each time, I never leave until you tell me to? Even when apparent regression has to predate evolution, I stand firm. Only when I felt that dark and chilly reception; only when the door was slammed soundly in my face did I desist. Ohhhh the feeling of frustration...futility that roiled bitterly in my throat. Driving me to purge.
After all this time. All this time and I think, How could he not know? What about my love and passion is so distasteful? Why again has it come to this? I am no stranger to the "speech" but never before have I felt such pain. Days drift by dreamy and I'm good but when the tears come...they fell me. My heart.hurts, and I think - how could you do this to me again? How? Why? I wanted nothing from you. I needed only to unburden my heart once and for all.
I've always wanted to find and remove your cataracts; the ones which always seemed to distort your perception. Just why in the hell can you never feel me? Righteously and with purity. Here I am and always been. I see who you are; have been waiting so long for you to see. I even thought for a time that it had come to pass. I believe, you said.
Tunnel-visioned inward, you never even noticed me crumbling when you told me - I loathe my reflection. I hurt...for you. You, in whose eyes I saw a reflection of a me I could believe in. Work towards. You never stopped to imagine what it did to see you invert my heart's light into darkness. It's a choice to believe the worst of someone, one that stems from lack of trust. Yes I sensed the tension simmering within you, but I NEVER expected the barrage of venom. I grow furious when my heart's integrity is questioned, and respond accordingly.
Yet you never addressed the issue. Chose to remain on that high horse of judgment. See what you want and discard the rest. No paradigm shift here. Where's the 50/50 now? Responsiveness and responsibility. Forgiveness is knee-jerk, but I wanted resolution; to transcend the old patterns of attack and retreat. I agree to disagree about theory and rhetoric...but not about this. This = utmost importance. You refused me...even denied remembrance of words spoken. There I lay dying at the thought, and you don't recall. What negative forces have stolen into you? Nu falling back into old.
Again, I remembered the prophet's words. I resisted the urge to scream, I respect your way, but look what it's doing to US! So weary and my confidence was blown. What more could I do to convince? Why should I have to? I showed up, but I wasn't paying attention; or else I would have noticed that you probably never truly believed. Realizing that, I retreated to my corner; white flag hanging limply. Overstood that mirrors only reflect what we choose to see. I feel two-way...see right into you...while you only see yourself. Warped reflection of soul...until I walked away.
So maybe it was meant. Knowing this I let go. Detachment allowed me to separate my demons from yours. I drew my light saber and dealt. I am well.
Maybe one day enlightenment will bring you fully back. Maybe one day you'll see me...see we. Cause yeah...in case you haven't noticed, I'm a heaven sent instrument as well. One that moves and won't wait. Neither will I fight you for we anymore. Feels as if I was always reaching out for you or having to mirror your retreat. Push and pull. But now the time for struggle has past. There is no pride in me to overcome. I care no less but...I'm tired. I remain in the same place, space, and soul as always. Foundation laid before birth.
I pass the torch of effort to you. Refuse if it behooves you. Swallow not what I've got. As I said, I can love you from afar or near. I still give freely with no abatement...whether you receive or not. You ain't got to believe me/know me/feel me...I feel youinme. Everyday. It gives me strength. Makes me melt. Fulfills me to tears sometimes. You be my link to Spirit, so I use in massive quantities. The conduit cannot be closed, even by you. Focus on the "lies" if you must. Play games of keepaway with thyself if it amuses. Do.what.you.do. Third eye open and there is no duality within me, so no punishment received by way of distance. I decline the illusion of separatism and darkness. Everyday. Everyday. When it hurts. For my own sanity. Peace of mind.
Regardless of its illusory nature, time heals.
Posted by Lisa at July 20, 2007 09:44 PM