i got the power...whuat?

Now what if one of the most important people in your life told you the equivalent of - "Well you know, I've just been using your love for me as the inspiration for my work. It was a concept that though fascinating, I couldn't really feel myself."? Initially, you might feel a little angry; some victim in the largest hoax of the century. Maybe even foolish, because here you were treating your emotions as entirely real and extremely valid. I think it's human to feel cheated of your feelings when you don't sense full reciprocity. However, I always knew on some level that this particular relationship was going to be the impetus for large amounts of transformation; which allowed me to remain largely supple to the way it morphed.

For a long time, I'd always held that suspicion that at times I was loving at. There had been things said over the years that let me know that though yes indeed his soul loves me intensely (nothing he could say at this point can convince me otherwise), his ego made it pretty much impossible to feel in entirety what I was giving back. Or perhaps he did feel, but had no faith that it was real. I guess I'll never know for sure unless I get it from the horse's mouth. From the position I now occupy, I find it sad when folks can't feel it; and I feel nothing but compassion for those that don't find themselves worthy or think that there is something that they have to do to earn true love. I've been there...yes indeedy; but over time, through him I discovered a belief that ok yes I am so the shit and worthy of this sort of love. This year, that growth became exponential. True self was begging to be let out to play.

My soul has been talking to me a long time, patiently waiting for me to get it (this explains why I would sometimes look at my writings and think, "where the HELL did that come from??) The message? Go ahead and let go...the reciprocity and the permission is ultimately unnecessary. The power comes to the giver of love.

And so I surrendered. I allowed myself to feel it all, WITHOUT a by your leave from him...and that in itself became the real freedom. The surrender became the bliss I've been seeking for many years. When I gave over, I was shifted onto an entirely different plane of thought and existence. My ascension took on a more rapid pace...right after that moment of clarity when i just KNEW - he felt exactly the way I felt. And when I felt what I felt, and was driven to share and give back via truth, we became new...but so did life. So yes there was some remorse that the vibe was slipping off its axis, but I sure as fuck was not going to maintain stasis nor dive backward. Not for anyone. I thought to myself, not this time muthafucka; I've waited long enough for you to get it. Once you take that step and fully overstand the overall importance of unconditional love, everything changes. For the better. And you know, because you love them, you want to share the joy and spiritual wealth...BUT you know better to waste your energy on less than supple ears.

We got into a bit of a fray about some things I'd said to him. None of it had malicious intent...but it was taken as such. Only after the conflict had taken place did I realize that I wasn't communicating with the him that I knew/loved. I was super glad that I'd been granted enough alone time to gain powers of discernment. It was his shadow side coming out trying to exert its will. Once I realized that I left it alone. Even the most powerful words won't penetrate a brick wall.

Yes in this world, we are made to feel weak when we fall in love, but I'm here to tell you that loving the way that I do takes STRENGTH. At times I've had to be a warrior and mightily defend my right to emote in the manner I feel necessary. I always will be, as I let these mfs know that they need not waste their time convincing me that I shouldn't feel the way I do. It's MY right. So yeah you can play biggest asshole in the world, but guess what? I still love you. Do what the fuck you want with it.

None of what I've done, said, or experienced has been a waste. I resist the labeling of our relationship, because that in itself is what creates expectations. Now I just appreciate it for what it was, what it is, and what it might still become. Ain't like I know the grand plan; though now I have total faith that there is something far larger than we at work. Yah I got free will and shit...but how many times have YOU felt like a situation was dropped into your lap specifically so that you could learn and grow?

Mhm. So Imma just let things do what they do. Everything will work out for the best. I INTEND for it to be so.

As I told someone, "even if he ain't the one, he's been DAMN GOOD practice." LOL. I truly believe he was sent to me specifically so that I would know fully my capacity to love. All my relationships have been preparation for greater things, so how am I gone hate on this one not turning out the way I thought I wanted it to? And here I was, looking for the blueprint out there somewhere...but I've been sitting on the shit all this time. Revelationnnnn. LOL. And now hellllls yes, I'm ready for some mutual surrender type shit. I think it would be the coolest thing on earth to share what I feel with a willing recipient.

In the meantime, I've got some of those types already around. Dig that shit.

It takes a revolution to make a solution. - Bob Marley

Posted by Lisa at July 19, 2007 02:40 PM