When you subject others to your confusion and negativity, don't be surprised if their response creates even more confusion and negativity. It's called the law of attraction and these days I'm finding more and more proof that it's not so much a concept as it is an actual universal law. Now sometimes in these situational dramedies I've been the doer and other times the receiver. Typically I try to relieve my confusion/anger via writing it out in public or private, until I once again feel centered. This works, UNLESS when I do try to be open and share I'm met with large amounts of resistance, or that person has the utter temerity to tell me what I am or should be thinking/feeling/doing. They say the best reaction is non-reaction and yeah...that's true. We are not unfeeling automations on this plane of existence, however. And when you trespass the sanctity of my heart, even under the guise of innocence? Oh I got to get in that ass. Doesn't mean I love you any less...but I STILL got to get in that ass, because I'm nobody's emotional doormat. Wipe your gotdamn feet before you step to me, or I will get real Kali with it.
I would much rather someone throw plates at the wall or pull some Secretary shit on themselves before they go playing victimizer with me. Because it just...knocks me off balance and greatly interferes with my inner peace. See me, I'm quite the control freak in all areas...but I've long since acknowledged that I will always have a couple of people in my life that can really get under my skin. All they have to do is inject a bit of subcutaneous sarcasm and ill-disguised negativity. And then I start itching. And ITCHING. And the only way to scratch is...
To get in that ass. LOL. Forreal. Of course the lesson that I'm learning is yeah I can vent with rapier sharp remarks that when spewed, give me an immediate sense of peace. But guess what? My storm has passed, but another one is brewing within them. So the drama has the potential of being ongoing.
And that is the only reason why from here on out, I refuse to play that game. I'm really just trying to get to the point where I can get the people in my life to be just as real and open with me as I try to be with them. I cannot stand when people let all this poison simmer and you have NO IDEA what's going on until they implode right before your eyes. Emotional ichor creates very stubborn stains. So yeah we can either have a grown-up discussion about things or you can just go fuck off in your little corner somewhere until you're ready to lay aside your ego and speak through your heart. If my harpy ass is willing to transcend self and do it, then I feel anyone can. But if the shit never happens, then I'm cool. Hell, bye. I'm finding that I can resolve things in my own mind even if the other actor in that particular scene wants to cling to the bs. It's truly on them.
I've been finding so many writings lately that...well I'll hazard to say that they validate these lil beliefs I've had all along; particularly about sex and love. It's good to know that I'm not the only one in this world that knows how important true intimacy within a relationship is.
Check out this link. Dude breaks it down for the people. Read this and I BET any of you ladies will be able to group every man that you've ever known or loved, which is uber cool cause NOW you'll know what to look for. And see there was a time that I would have been perfectly ok with a 50/50 man...thinking it was the best I was going to get. But sheeiit, Iown know about you, but a heart-true man is where it's AT. I'm gone need to find that factory posthaste.
Funny, I've always worked to understand the opposite sex, to the point where I've been accused of thinking/acting just like them. Really it was just my way of trying to figure out how to relate properly...I'm a bit of an overachiever in the romanticism area. But my thing is this - do men really work to understand women? Seems like the vast majority of them really believe they have us pegged; trying to stuff us inside some rigid archetype typically constructed by the chick that came before us. And we all know how that usually turns out! Really men and women both are guilty of going into relationships with laundry lists of expectations that the other party knows nothing about. Then wanna get all disappointed when they have to pull out the red pen cause folks ain't living up. Sheer bollocks I say. We have got to do better.
Or is I'm the only one tryin to ubermensch the hell out of this life o' mine?
Posted by Lisa at July 13, 2007 04:14 PM