I'm trying to be good but still the anger wells in me. So I write this, thinking that it's better to write it out in hopes that I can send this anger away from me, into the earth to be transmuted into a better state - love.
If loving me the way you do creates conditions, expectations, and a sense of responsibility, then I suggest you just stop loving me that way. DO IT if you so grown and shit has to be done YOUR WAY. Cause I ain't never asked shit of you other than that you be who you are. I've loved you when you were my bunny and I've loved you when you were being a complete ass. And I've always been willing to move on and forgive, even after you and I had a nice row. That's MY sense of unconditionalism. Yes I appreciate the things that you have done for me in the material sense. But what really opened my heart is the way I knew, I just knew that you cared for me and you accepted me in any state that I was in. That is my concept of true love. You set the standard, and yes, hell yes I would like to take our relationship outside the bounds of IMs and texts because nowadays I feel fear of love has no place within me. Yes it would be intense as hell and yes we would fight and all that good shit...all that normal shit that humans do. But oooh chile, we would love wouldn't we? And you fucking know it. Bitches like me ain't mass manufacutered you know. It surprised me that you got real typical nigga with me at the end there. Seems to me that you want something more...manageable. Shit how else would you think that glossy bitch you glommed onto was the one?
This here what I'm saying don't have shit to do with ego. Hearts can experience fury when faced with denials and accusations. So I don't know why the fuck you thought could just come up in my IM box, say what the fuck you did with subcutaneous sarcasm all over the damn place, shift some nebulous responsibility onto my plate and then just go merrily on yo way.
But you weren't mad. Chile please. Do I look like a silly bitch?
Perhaps I was being a bit negative in my text messages the other day, but being highly sensitive I was responding in a very knee-jerk way to the energy you were giving me. You seemed miserable to me. I felt compassionate but yet angry that you would intrude upon my good feelings by responding to me in that pithy, yeah whatever sort of way. I don't think I deserved that. Yah it was weak and human for me to do that and for me to email you those things but a bitch was HOT. Ego shole did reassert itself for a lil energy transference. I apologize for any ugly sentiment that spilled onto your lap, but there are consequences and repercussions for EVERYTHING we do. Everything. I done told you that life reflects what we feel inside. So how else did you think that particular scene was going to play out?
All you had to say before ANY of that took place was - "Lisa are we ok? I feel some distance and I don't want that. I feel bad and I need your help." I'm so tired of some bullshit argument having to pop off before you get real with me. So you telling me after all this time, you STILL don't trust me enough to be open? Ok damn that's fucked up, but it don't have nothing to do with me. So I advise you to not ever again come to me talking about what the fuck you expect. Expectations lead to disappointment, ESPECIALLY when the expectee has no fucking idea what laundry list of actions you've cooked up that compose the perfect person. So it's best not to expect a damn thing from me. Trust me, I will respond in kind.
Unconditionalism doesn't mean that I ain't gone get mad. I reserve the right to get in ANYONE's ass if I feel they're coming at me sideways and you know damn well you were; that's why your ass bailed before I could respond. So if I love you the way I do, I'm supposed to be your doormat? Hell and no. I accept that you felt the way you did, but as for me agreeing with every portion? Please, I decline.
Maybe I was being "self-righteous" but I'm beginning to think that isn't such a bad thing. I'm beginning to think that we should defend our personal truths to the death; because if we don't then we ain't shit but the drones that we love to point out. It's a damn trip that you would think that because I've chosen to stick to my path that I would be leaving you behind. Muthafucka I'm trying to take you with me, but if you continue to give me these speed blocks then trust me - Imma keep on moving.
Though none of my feelings have EVER been illusory, I see the real. Me and you are just friends, so yeah I don't hardly expect you to get down with my line of thinking. The only one I really need to be spiritually attuned with is my man, because I'll be damned if I ever ever ever ever get into some bullshit textbook relationship ever again. I thought that you believed the things you wrote, and yes that was the impetus for the way my feelings for you developed. I don't think there's any shame in that because the end result was some lovely transformation. But your words yesterday indicated otherwise. FuckinG illusion? Yah man that hurts. I guess it's ok for me to be your most beautiful poetry as long as I ain't trying to take that shit into the scary real world.
It's cool though. I'll always love you, but damn...it is what it is, ain't it? It's not like I haven't been here before. My love for you humbles me enough to accept any sort of personal relationship you wish to have with me. But it also makes me strong enough to continue with life even if you don't want to share any portion of it with me.
So turn your back if you must. If it makes you feel "good." If you prefer misery and discontent. If it supports your belief that love is a disease, mental illness, trap, etc. I don't feel that way about it and I never will and I'll be good and gotdamned if I ever reconfigure my personal concepts of what the fuck we're sposed to be doing on this earth to match something I feel is the very antithesis of my belief set. I love you enough to NOT be your enabler.
I won't even ask you if you love me, cause I know damn well you do. I guess it just remains to be seen exactly what you choose to do about it. Either way it doesn't matter, because my love will never die; even if you want it to in order to prove yourself correct.
Now put that in your damn pipe and smoke it.
Posted by Lisa at July 13, 2007 01:56 AM