the seed

Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge. – Audre Lorde

“You’re such a hippie.” That’s what my ex told me once. I kinda like the sound of it – flower chile to lotus woman. *two snaps up in a circle* Heh. I dig my ability to think expansively, especially about love. So perhaps that is why…

I need a threesome. Don’t look at me that way pervs! What I mean is I need two free-standing individuals + one united soul. To break it down to human terms – two spiritually evolved and forward-thinking individuals with separate interests, hobbies, friends, etc; but with one shared vision/purpose. Good on their own, but even more together. Fusion. On that supercouple shit; working towards a common goal and growing in love. Damn that bell curve sensation folks tend to get when involved in traditional relationships; I want my love graph to look like stair steps. I want the feeling of – yes there is this world to tangle with, but there is a separate world that we can create. Our haven and sacred secret.

And no it’s not perfect, but it’s built on a foundation of perfect love (unconditional); omnipresent and yes…eternal. That is basically what I mean by no maybes. I refer to love. I accept that people change (they’re supposed to), but love just doesn’t if hearts stay open. That openness creates a certainty that as long as you commit to cleave to the love you have with that person; life is pretty much a movable object. You’re fully equipped to go into any battle with guns blazing; prepared to obliterate anyone or anything that would dare to put this asunder. Even if the anyone/anything be ourselves and fear.

My ideal relationship goes so much beyond the trappings of hearts and flowers. Romanticism is awesome and it’s no secret that a chick ain’t averse to good shex. But even better is intensity and passion that goes beyond mere flesh and blood; rather, it feels like spirit and movement. All the principles of divine design at play. Completely open and flowing to and through one another. A connection so strong that when one attempts to separate or create distance from the other, it feels like dying. If indeed death occurs, so does resurrection. The union rises phoenix-like from the ashes. Newer and better and always ascending.

Yes, lofty goals.

I say it’s better than a movie, because no movie can accurately portray the feeling that one feels inside when they’re able to love that way. Words can describe it, but no one will get it unless they’ve got it (hint: it begins within). Even so, sharing a love story is a service that we should commit to because the love evident in the writing or the visual representation will always resonate. Those words will ignite a spark in some…a keening urge to do what it takes to know fully…the way.

That’s what happened to me. I came across some words, written by some dude, and felt that I understood it at the cellular level. Here was an ancient idea presented in such a novel(ic) way that it gave me hope just when I was beginning to give up on the notion that there were any men out there willing to participate in love the way I was. I thought to myself, ok if he exists then I know others do. So how do I become worthy of something like that? That feeling was of course a call for inner work…work that finally led me to a very simple truth - we are all worthy of unconditional love no matter how fucked in the head we appear to be. LOL.

True love is an amplifier as well as a propellant; a driving and guiding force. I was always driven to seek knowledge in face of the feelings I felt. Because of the things I’ve been through, and how I’ve loved over the years, my beliefs about the things most important to me now feel integrated. It’s a blessing to have that celtic knot of overstanding; everything relates. To feel/know life this way after years of blindly following negative patterns is just…a gift. I realize that unconditional love is so simple that humans feel driven to complicate it (typically as a cop-out). 'Tis a simple formula - love, acceptance, forgiveness, and compassion.

If you don’t feel like you’re capable of that, well then physician heal thyself! And no you ain't got to go around hugging trees and kissing random strangers on the street. But the least you could do is practice on the folks in your life. Even if they want to be all weird and resist. The sun don't die even in the abundance of clouds.

If I feel that the object of my affection and I exist on a different level, then it makes it easy to accept any earthly configuration…friendship or more and more and more. Reciprocity would be nice, but I don’t expect or demand it. Sometimes machinations of the outside world or even my own diabolical ego constructed barriers to my inner truth; but with strength and faith, clarity always overcomes confusion. I know now that conflicts will always arise in some portion – I’m here to learn; so I will always be tested. But the more I improve, the more agile I become at resolving.

Alone or with...'cause I'm gully like that.

Posted by Lisa at July 12, 2007 08:48 PM