Now if I would have thought I was going to see him that day...well I still wouldn't have stayed at home. Heh. Never let it be said that I'm a coward. It's just crazy how things always happen to me when I'm attempting to go on with life la di da. At any rate exactly how would I have prepared? I'd already unassed myself of the anger attached to the situation; analyzed it down to the nitty like I always do. So me I was cool calm and collected...I thought.
The feelings I experienced were unexpected. Yes there was no anger left, but ummmm where the fuck is all this attraction coming from? Mind says yah you got over it, but you ain't sposed to like the mf anymore! Soul says chile please...love is love. I deem soul correct and feel no pain; only what once was. And we're all smiling at one another like two kids that got to scrapping at the playground one day and decided to be best friends the next. And there I'm standing and and there he's standing and if his eyes were composed of forks and spoons? I would have been gobbled the eff up. Suicide via le petit mort. Heh.
See that's what he is for me...my reminder. Cause thinkers like me forget that we're human....the libido tends to fall to the wayside, neglected in the face of all that overponderance. His regard for me plants my feet on fertile ground. A mere look and my kundalini is rising and I'm feeling all girly and whatnot. Like, yo forreal though...let's stop bullshitting and go somewhere and lay up. Heh. True, I won't pursue because that route had its blocks. Of the human variety. But that does not mean I can't enjoy and appreciate the very foundational connection that we have. It's like...my dirty lil secret.
Yaaaah...I'm nasty like that.
So I know some of you are like wait you slut...what about the dude that you feel is your other half? Um...yeah what about him? He's still as awesome as ever, thanks for inquiring. And yes I will always love him best and more intensely than anyone on this planet. I know this cellular level, and it is what it is. But in terms of labeling purposes - we're just friends. My love is honest and true and I consistently show and prove. However; back at the ranch, clocks continue to tick and pussy wants to be licked.
Not to be all vulgar. But you know how I do. Monogamy is a construct entered into by two interested parties, so when I do go that route I'm certainly in it to win it. When single, I don't limit the capacity of my heart and I refuse to believe that one love invalidates the other. Feel free to follow me as I choose my own adventure...or not.
Kerouac said he had nothing to offer the world but his own confusion. And see I can dig that. Just like any other human, I'm figuring it out as I go along. Despite what some may think, I'm no more enlightened than the next person; I simply have the ability to retain more useful/less information than average. Life is cool in that the more you know, the more you realize you don't know. Now how you think that makes a nerd like me feel? Quite excitededed!!! *dances a jig*
The thing about personal truth is that its malleable. Ask me what I mean at any given point and I will be honest. BUT be forewarned that I apply my personality with paste, and it's my right to peel off a layer or two when the mood hits. Maybe toss that shit in the corner for later use. My choice, and guess what? You never have to buy into it.
All I'm saying is, life is just one big classroom. Don't copy my homework; follow your own divine curriculum. That way you can't be all mad when I get an F! Have enough inner strength and humility to realize that though you may love and care greatly about others' progress, ultimately the shit ain't hardly about you. Now if the lesson resonates with you, then by all means integrate it into your process. But don't be experiencing all that cognitive dissonance when folks grow and change in unexpected directions...it only creates migraines. AND your bad for putting them in that box. Cardboard gets wet in the river of life.
Now I don't believe in me first, eff everyone else. My steelo is - me first, then if i think i got some good shit going over here, maybe I can help others. Maybe. If they ask. And if not?
Well then that's alright too, ain't it?
Posted by Lisa at July 10, 2007 10:49 PM