dial 7

I could never seem to get the hang of loving the men in my life in some shallow, manageable manner. I used to think it was a fault; would berate myself for being so intense as to scare most of them away. Typically, of course I would only feel this way if my admissions of love were met with some negative reaction - disbelief, rejection, me seeing their back as they ran in the other direction, etc. Yes, it was all very cringe-worthy...back then.

But now? Now I think of the men that acted as if I was crazy for feeling the way I did as like...lost. What the hell has humanity come to that we are deemed somehow off or simpering whiney bitches if we actually dare to feel something like love? And I don't give a fuck if the shit pops off two weeks or two years into your interactions with the object of your affection...you feel what the hell you feel and that's that. I'm tired of folks applying all this earthly logic to something that's actually quite spiritual. Hell, even Hitler had a love...ponder that shit for a second.

Pisses me the fuck OFF when men act like me telling them I love them requires some sort of action on their part. Funny - It never occurred to them that I may just not have expected a gotdamn thing. I may have just been sharing because after a certain amount of time, a chick feels the need to throw the monkey of secret love off her back. I may have just been sharing because gah, I think it's an awesome feeling that shouldn't just be left moldering in the corner of my heart. At this point, I'm so not asking anyone to run off to Brazil with me and live happily ever after. Fuck what you heard, I'm just over here trying to get free(r). I would rather someone just shut the fuck up and listen and/or respond (positively) rather than give me a vibe of "well I'm sorry you feel that way, but I ain't have nothing to do with that shit."

Huh? Outward-facing jive ass turkey! You didn't have to do shit. You existed and I saw your soul and fell in love with it. Now imagine the fuck out of that.

Never again will I feel imprisoned in someone else's sense of unworthiness. The way I look at it now is - if you think I'm silly/crazy/overly emotive for loving you, then you believe yourself unlovable. Better handle that, cause ain't a bit of shame in my game. Honor and shame are two sides of the same coin. You got free will to flip that shit any.time.you.like. Feel me?

And you know, I'm not extremely angry nowadays about the sitch. It's more saddening to me, because I overstand the whys and wherefores of their reactions, but dammit I'm not going to sit here and pretend I like that shit. What I am right now is passionate in my intent to show everyone that it is entirely, perfectly, completely ok to feel love in any capacity. Stop acting like you've caught a disease if you feel/felt love for the "wrong" person. They're no more wrong than you are.

(If indeed love is a disease well then shit...that's a terminal illness that you caught before you were even birthed. No cure, so deal with it!)

When you feel the way you do and share the way you feel, how bout you give yourself a pat on the back for having the sheer sackspace to be exposed. Cause ain't it some vulnerability for that ass? LOL. Just all out there; naked and twisting in the wind; and you have no idea WHAT'S going to happen. But that's where courage and strength come in. To me, it no longer matters how folks react to my feelings. I ain't got time to be buying into no hive-mind fuckery of protecting the stability of the relationship by "biding your time" and "playing it safe." Last time I checked love was a fortifier. Hearts don't do damage; minds do. Like I said to someone a while back - Now I done laid my cards on the table. You can do what the FUCK you want. Hells yes I'm on that hero shit; showing up, paying attention, telling the TROOF, and straight up letting go of the outcome. I got the popcorn at hand and I'm ready for the next act. Whuat?

Don't you dare let yourself die some ignoble death in their ego-ridden wilderness. Fuck that. I've been largely detached from the matrix for a long while, but it took me some time before I could get 9:15 about love; and there was definitely a lot of confusion and backpedaling and barreling forward and stagnancy involved...all part of the growth process. It was the final plug that needed to be pulled permanently. I stole my mind back. Now my past looks like some pretty sepia-toned photo. I chose to take another red pill and apparently it was a spiritual colonic. Now all I have left in me is love for every single person that I've ever felt love for, regardless of the hate crimes committed. So even in the face of the shenanigans and inabilities to accept; I cling to the love, because that's the only thing that feels right to me. It is the armor that protects my self-sovereignty.

And if that's crazy? Sheeeeiiiiit...I'll be dat. Ain't nothing like a lil megalomania to get you through the day. ;)

Posted by Lisa at July 10, 2007 06:45 PM