I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood. - Audre Lorde
And misunderstood I have been, even when I've thought I was being extremely clear. It used to bother me...but my ego/not-self is feeling rightly weakened these days so it's just like "well...ok. nothing i can do about how i'm perceived." Just like people can't rearrange my emotion, I can't rearrange theirs. I just try to send good energy their way and hope they'll wake up.
Let it not be said that my ego has died though! This growth process is constant, and sometimes I get so bajiggedy and self-conscious that I get my eraser out (I will admit there is a certain power in knowing that I can rewrite when I feel). Then the next day clarity returns and I realize there is no shame in transformation. Better to document than to not have anything to look upon and remind me when I begin to doze.
Nowadays when I'm misunderstood even when I believed the intent was clear, I shake whatever negative feelings off. I see that overstanding comes depending on what portion of the audience's persona is listening - heart or ego. The spiritual masters are right - ego and pride need to just take their asses off in the corner somewhere and DIE (they ain't put it like that, but that's more or less the sentiment I have these days). Blame will always be felt when guilt lives within. If you doubt self, you will feel others doubt you. If you want to feel hurt, you will feel others have hurt you. And so on and so forth...with any emotion. Everything is a choice; particularly within the realm of self. Knowing this makes me extremely proactive about my thought patterns and my choices; when I feel that downward tug I work to detach from the old ways of being.
I'm very glad that I asked the universe to unass me from my fears; even though I had to go through that AWESOMELY BAD dark night of the soul that they speak of. What's funny is...I didn't mean to do it; at least not in a conscious way. But I did put out my intent to love and be loved in the truest way possible on Earth; so I guess Creator/Source/Spirit was like "ok mf, this is what you'll have to do." And I was straight up put through my paces. But you know, when you come out on the other end you're just like gaaah...gaaaaaaaaaaaah!
For me, the experience was nothing short of mystical and amazing. What a damn relief, to be washed clean of the past...all the self-judgments and recriminations and the victim consciousness that blocks true living. Yeah I did things and yeah other times I had things done to me. But absolutely no decision I have made was a "bad" one, because the lessons it brought are ones that will carry me to a better life. Period. Only when you become fully awake do you realize this.
I could have easily chosen to remain asleep; but the love I have in my life was the impetus to stretch outside of myself...towards my true potential. So for that I'm grateful.
Endlessly.