egoMANIA!

In the face of the appallingly egotistical behavior that I witnessed on the 5 minutes of MTV's Real World reunion show that I could stomach, I feel like I need to bust this issue down to the white meat for all the people that don't already know. Hindsight shows that the situation I had with dude mentioned in other posts was a lesson FOR ME as well...hard like some damn calculus. But I get it now!

Check this out: there's a difference between ego and self-esteem. Ego is - "You don't know me, and fuck you for THINKING that you know me." Self-esteem (high) is - "I AM THAT I AM, and that's ok if you feel that way."

You know that the ego is something separate from self (aka your conscience/heart), because typically when you become involved in some fray you feel them warring within you. EVERYBODY knows the difference between "wrong" and "right"; the shit ain't rocket science.

Typically, the larger the ego; the deeper the insecurities; buried or acknowledged. When people pick on you or say something that digs into your achilles' heel; you feel exposed (because you secretly agree); so the ego moves to cover you, and this is when the shit talking/petty arguing begins. Look at it as your mind protecting you from judgment, because the judgment makes you feel weak. Also, you are in a knee-jerk way transferring energy. "You made me feel bad, so now I have to make you feel bad."

It's a choice as to which voice you will allow to be the ruling authority within you. Yeah I said it...IT'S A CHOICE. The devil ain't made you do a damn thing, because you are your own stronghold. You have been given free will, so don't sit around acting like you're some human version of a Sims game. You know this is true, because if it wasn't we'd just feel like everyday we were being propelled by outside force from point A to point B. And how damn boring would that be?

At this point, where I'm at with mine is tellin my ego to shut what they call the fuck UP. I ain't got time to be sucked into nobody's black hole. Even my own.

I share these thoughts because I've experienced fully how it is to live ego-forward. I let folks in and allowed them to weaken me with their judgments; buying into their insecure chicanery. Even knowing deep deep deep down that essentially I was a good girl. It got to the point where I had to say to myself, "Ok yeah it would be nice if everyone had a good opinion of I, but what within me is making me feel as if I NEED acceptance?" I mean, it's not as if these people could shove their hands inside me and rearrange my emotion....so it HAD to be me doing all that.

I had to do some muckraking and analysis of every single important relationship in my life...all the way back to mi padre. (And hell yeah, that shit is DEEEP mane. Touch these issues only when you're ready to feel the fire.) I did not reduce their importance. What I did was flip the script (rewrote), and took back my power - first, by NOT accepting blame for being "weak" when I could honestly say that I tried my best to do well and love (which takes strength). Second, I took responsibility for the choices I made even in the face of glaring signs pointing in the other direction; knowing there would probably be negative consequences. Third I also forgave every.single.person as well as myself, because shit...more than likely they were living in the same existential way most of us do until we wake up - me-first...eff everyone else. That's where the understanding and compassion comes in.

Lastly, I took a good look at myself and said, "You know what? I'm trying. I really am; and for the vast majority of my life I have been." The more strength I gained from swimming upstream, the better I felt. And suddenly I knew...I just knew that - I am loved. I always have been. And you know what? Errbody ain't got to love or accept me. The choice is theirs.

Chiiiiiile.....that is P O W E R. We were born and deemed perfect, so what we have to fight is that sense of imperfection that life's experiences pile upon us. The more crap that you rake off, the better you feel....trust. So much lighter. High self-esteem is the product of inner and outer work.

It was only in my travails to gain self-awareness that I learned the difference and felt that final "click" that is so important to properly navigating this world. It's a choice to begin the trek; and some people choose to just exist and let life do what it do. And complain. I understand that, because I get burnt out and too tired to act right myself. Howeverrrr...I'm tipping the balance towards positivity, because it feels better to me.

Now that I know what I know and feel fully like SELF, I tend to confront every dissenting opinion/judgment with - "Well I know me and you know you(hopefully)...so do what you do. Later gator!" If I accept my choices and feel good about them, then it matters not one whit what other people think.

And you know...that's some good shit.

Posted by Lisa at June 20, 2007 11:38 PM