it goes down easy.

He's my Brandy Alexander. Cocoa vocals and creamy verbiage...so mellow and sweet inside me. My neverending addiction...I imbibe. Imbued. Intake him; greedy gulps in place of lady-like sips. Still the cup runneth over. And the heat...traversing my covert spaces. Favors the scenic route - past my head - into my heart. A dizzy love spree. Always gets me into trouble, that giddily courageous feeling like...like I'd like to be the girl for him.

But that's another matter.

What matters is that I could have said...anything then. Wanted to tell him everything. Fearless in the face of chance, driven to advance. I remember how the words eddied on the tip of my tongue; some spilling from the corners of my mouth. Messy restless devotion moving me to say...

And then he said...things that tore into the very foundation of my dreams. No malice, but so careless and glib the way he compressed my feelings into pithy words. Almost as a lark. I don't count. Doesn't have to be romantic. And at this, reality rattled my bones and the words turned to sand in my mouth. I blinked. Awake(?) Back on shallow fallow earth...again, wanting to gobble all the words that had been. That I'd said; because I suddenly saw the lay of the land, and felt me a fool for losing myself in a mirage.

Broken, I was. A half once more with feeling. Sorrow. A love is not complete with only heat. From one side - mine. Silly girl, always wanting more than she can have. Storyline so familiar, and one I had no need of to be reminded. Here it was though...and the feelings demanded attendance.

In silence. My private misery. The angst expended would make Kubler-Ross proud. I cried...told myself pretty lies. Rationalized. I mean, I was blameless, right? I mean. Who knew the hunger would creep back in? That my imagination would expand and I would begin to wonder in gnawing aches? That I would grow so much inside we that fear would leave? I wanted us more. Felt suddenly it was possible. Wanted him to feel that possibility with me.

Now suddenly all these boundaries and I think. I thought about it. About IT. I got angry. How dare he reduce this?? All.this. I wanted to shatter all this pesky passion and kick its rocks in his face. His face, his face...his beautiful face. Hurt when I looked at him; I'd stare and remember and feeeeel that damnable pull. Until I wanted to hurt me instead. If I could just...peel off this layer and that one. Self-mutilation for the sake of we. If I could just...focus on someone else. If I could just...please God just grant me the strength to rewrite.

Such painful extrication from the beautiful lie. Walking on needles and pins. Hurting to exhale him...death at my door. No time to waste. Dragging my eraser across the page, bits of we floating cinder-like. Drifting back onto my skin...burning third-degree. Down to the truth. Which is...

He and I have paid our karmic debt. It was written that he discover a love that could match his own - if he chose. Power. It was written that I would find someone willing to accept every bit of me. Power. We saved each other.

The story had to unravel some, so I could see inside. To my heart.

Which is he. His existence tattooed deep, so that of him I can never be rid. And I don't want to be. Every day I facilely bound from my bed, regardless of sleepless nights before. Just because of him. Just because I know I have someone to love. The way I do it is on me; has always been within my control. Or out of it, like I am when with him. I choose to be in it because - nothing else feels this way. Or matters when I'm here. Saying this...knowing this....i.am.free(r). I cross the sea and land through him. No prison can hold me - self-created or otherwise.

And now? Now a new book. Eternal sunshine? Maybe.

All I know is - I love this dream of going upstream - anywhere really. With him.

Yeah...it.

Posted by Lisa at June 14, 2007 10:28 PM