If you don't have wholeself knowledge and acceptance, you will never find the type of love for which your soul yearns. This has nothing to do with age, so much as with a willingness to look inward and confront every known and/or unacknowledged fault and fear that you possess. Some parts you will even have to demolish and rebuild...with a better foundation this time. Easier said than done I know; one tends to do a lot of externally driven existing for the first quarter century of their lifespan. This is why the early portion of my twenties was a bust romantically. I was too busy living for/through them, I had no real time or will to define myself.
Fortunately, I got about 8 years to make up for my mistakes.
For a long time I wondered why I could never seem to get any romantic relationships off the ground. There was always something that disrupted the process and swept me back into my hermit cave; left to lick my wounds and wonder what it was about me that was so damn unacceptable. I recognize now that these men simply weren't the ones with whom I was supposed to be permanently linked. I'm grateful to a Spirit that loved me enough to keep me safe from situations that were beneath me. So, I've been involved enough to remain open; but gifted with enough wisdom and separateness to realize that I would have to attend to I before receiving IT.
This latest skin shedding phase wasn't done when I thought it was. Wishful thinking. It was a doozy because along with it came a maelstrom of confusion, and mood swings that stretched even the limits of bipolarism. Sadly, it also brought about the destruction of a friendship that I felt was just really getting started; segueing from vague knowing to knowing...you know? I've experienced this before and I have to say it was no easier this time around. A loss is just that, regardless of the circumstances. I grieved.
But the lessons I learned feel like the final keys to me and my concept of what has always been most important above anything else - love. And now that I believe as I do, it's as if there's some mystical finger insistently jabbing the pressure point that makes you walk faster. Propelling me towards the rest of my life. And IT. The castle in the sky I've been building since 5th grade; devouring Harlequin romances like my life depended on it. For so long...that wish to unlock the mystery. Sometimes that doubt that I would ever get it. Feel it.
I have though. And demand more.
Not everyone wants the sort of love I do. There are many that prefer something easily labeled and contained. It inspires manageable feelings of comfort and devotion...all those little whatnots. It's...nice. I understand and have experienced at length the need to play it safe and retain control, but I'm finally at the point where my need to be taken over supercedes.
Finally I know that true love is more than possible, and they call it that for a reason. There's absolutely no denying it. Any sort of victory over it is bound to be Pyrrhic. If you concede, you will feel compelled to merrily wave the white flag; even in the face of death of ego and pride. It is an elemental, transformative force that one should submit to only when ready to take the ride of their life...if ever. I tell you this with sincerity.
Because I've been shown the blueprint, I now dare to move. I dare to believe in him...the one with whom I am perfectly matched. Far more than some willing crutch. He who is unafraid to play incubus to my succubus and create our version of balance ever after. I feel him reaching for me in dreams and waking life; so strongly at times that I want to speed up life's clock so I can get to him. Get into him, where I belong. I know that when he sees me, not a cell in his body will deny the hold we have. Even as I speak, he's putting in the work to feel worthy of this. We. Just like I have.
Knowing these things, I wait; and patience becomes not only a virtue, but a necessity. Knowing these things, I resist the downward pull of sediment.
Manifestation depends solely upon intent...and faith.
Okaaaay. I'm rewritten.
Posted by Lisa at June 6, 2007 09:34 PM