My cards spoke of a battle between head and heart. Let me explain...
*insert chagrined expression here* In case you hadn't already gleaned this bit of info let me say that all the confusion and angst as of late has been entirely self-created. Talk about backsliding. Blame it on inconsistent weed intake, environmental pressures, or even Spirit being its usual crafty self. But ultimately it all boils down to me. Everything is choice, right?
I can say honestly that my recent foray into crazy town had nothing to do with fear. I'm not afraid to love him the way I do. It's just that my intent has always been to love him without wanting him. And I never told him, but ever since my heart went schizo and switched gears, I'd felt guilty about feeling the way I do. Rather than burden him with the nuisance of my rising sensuality quotient I did what I thought was best. Created a diversion. Chose a potential object of affection: someone I was comfortable with, who I thought would at least marginally appreciate my presence, and most importantly - wouldn't give me no lip about him. And then you know, all would be balanced.
Martyrdom - it's not just for the 15th century!
It was a shoddy ass plan to begin with, so it's no wonder it blew up in my face. I suppose I subconsciously considered someone who wasn't completely free because I'm not completely free. Of him.
Fact-facing time. Testing my wifey mettle in a new relationship isn't worth it if I'm not going to be a full participant. Yes it would be nice to do...things. Be able to claim some victim as completely mine. But I can't sublet my heart right now....he takes up too much space. All of it really.
So I'll take the way he makes me feel over "nice" and comfortable. any damn day. I'm willing to wait...it out. Whether it seeps or bleeds or bursts....love is gone do what it do. I have faith. So I will fight no more. Forever.
It's whatever.
And to him: If ever you feel uncomfortable with the intensity of my devotion, then tough tits. You shouldn't be so damn you. Walking around glowing inside and out, epitomizing everything I wish for in a man. Attending to my needs and having me believe I'm the shit. Making me want to be up under you (sometimes) sleep with you (all the time)...and I'm talking about really sleeping (imagine that).
I mean really - just stop it. But don't...cause I love it.
Just time for me to stop damn fronting about it. :)
Posted by Lisa at May 26, 2007 01:53 PM