Truth is beauty tends to be the prevalent theme of my life these days. Having experienced the folly of hiding behind masks and circumventing truths, for a long time I've made it my business to be as honest as possible; even though before it wasn't always possible. That, of course, was a self-imposed prison.
The difference between now and then is the willingless with which I give up information. I tend to offer opinions without invitation. I no longer pull the usual Capricorn move of internalizing until I burst and spill guts all over the place. I'm wide open. A foolish man recently told me this is not the way, but I'll have to go ahead and disagree on that. I won't let anyone rip into this skin that I'm just now getting used to. Niggas got me real bent if they think I'll be backsliding...
for long. 'Cause yeah, sometimes we have to regress. Maybe just so that you recall exactly what it is you will never allow self to go back to...and remain. During these moments, I never feel as if I'm experiencing a memory from some distant vantage. It feels as if I am that girl or woman-chile. This causes cognitive dissonance when the newer version attempts to assert itself. And the battle ensues.
The more people involved, the more difficult the skirmish. Folks will attempt to make you feel as if you have to plead your case or defend your right to be. Cross-examine you like hell. Depending on how much power you've given them over your emotional control, you may or may not get into some shit. Sometimes deep.
Knowing I'm the sole person who can knit that particular hair shirt, the newest trick is to simply REFUSE. I don't align myself too closely with the negative, the self-hating, the stagnant, etc; but keep them somewhat near. The game doesn't have to be sold or told...I choose to show and prove. I think they can see well enough...from over there somewhere.
Rough patches can be hell, but the resulting lessons/growth make the jaunt worth it. This latest evolutionary to-do allowed me to finally meld old with new, destroy some very old school insecurities, adjust to a face I haven't seen in ten years, and know the feel-good of being 100 percent open. In doing this, the light seeps in and out. So far only one can completely handle the glare, but that's ok. The great thing about life is that it is ever-changing...if you let it.
So yeeaaaah. I'm just over here anticipating, enjoying, growing higher than sky, and learning. Doing my duty to share like a good girl.
I'll thank me later.
Posted by Lisa at May 19, 2007 10:49 PM