Groupie Love

You cannot ascend to the next level without it, so it's no wonder that we strive so valiantly for acceptance...especially from our beloved. I remember with stinging clarity the girl I once was. Because I cared deeply what my former paramours thought of me I worked especially hard to be what they needed; sometimes to my own detriment. It was such a knee-jerk thing; I wasn't comfortable in my own skin, so it was not at all difficult to become someone else. I actually came to expect new love interests to be disenchanted with at least one aspect of my being. It was a delicate prison of my own making. One easy to get out of if I would just open my eyes wide enough to find the key.

When my needs and my wants began to clamor for attention, things began to change. I learned the hard way that even positive transformation is not acceptable in the eyes of someone that is perfectly comfortable with you in your as is condition. Thank god for the rabid self-involvement of my mid-twenties. The more I learned about my internal workings and what I needed to be happy the more confident I became. I didn't ask for...I demanded (and sometimes commanded) respect. But part of me always wished for complete acceptance. Someone that would look at me and be able to see the real me. I. Lisa. Get me. And love all of me; not just the easily digestable bits.

I've said before, loving him is freedom. With him, I am my whole self, and always have been. Always sensed that the acceptance I longed for was finally within reach. Still now I find it hard to believe that I was blessed to come across someone that loves me in totality...flaws and all. Does not wish to change me. Holds me, but doesn't restrict me. And has this uncanny way of being everything I have always wanted in a man. But for the first time in my life, I don't want to possess or lay claim to him because of it. I just appreciate...and enjoy - love, love, and more love and more. So much more...everyday.

Everyday it changes. We change. Grow upward and outward. Sprout branches and buds and...we flower. I'm amazed at the mass amounts of transformation this one person evoked. It took some time and a bit of convincing on his part, but eventually I begin to believe all the hype. Yes I'm worthy and hell YES I am indeed the shit. Because of him, I walk differently, talk differently, see differently, experience life and people differently. I am different. And better.

I can't imagine what life would be like, if we hadn't found/healed/saved each other; if we hadn't walked away from the ones that held us back...together. When I sit and think about the work we put in to get here, the most prominent emotion I experience is gratitude.

I share this with you not to be boastful. I share this because good things should be shared with the world. And if you haven't found one yet, you need to locate posthaste your own biggest fan. Someone who sees the best in you even when you're at your absolute worst. I tell you, life ain't halfway as hard with a being like that at your side. Find you a groupie (and be theirs), and you become real philosophical about past hurts and transgressions, because it got you here.

Here. Where you(i)'ve always wanted be.

Posted by Lisa at April 4, 2007 09:10 PM