Pensée Vers L'avant

People ask me about him from time to time, with absolutely no encouragement on my part. Romantic fool that I am, I'd like to think that the combination of we impacted people in such a way that they find it hard to let the concept go. They say things like - "I thought you two were IT," or "Y'all made such a cute couple!" Yes I thought those things too. And perhaps he did as well...

But mere compatibility wasn't enough. In all the time that I knew, I never felt as if I had the all of him. He was giving, yes - by way of laughter, advisement, protection, etc. But he never gave over. It was like possessing all the keys to the house, save for the master one.

You cannot experience all that love is without surrender. Even a tough cookie like me has crumbled a few times. And willingly too. So as much as I loved him, I didn't want to have to drag him kicking and screaming into a state of bliss. The more sure I became of this (and myself), the easier it was to allow the distance to grow between us.

Here was a man who had known me for years; yet still didn't know me. Or more accurately, he refused to reconcile his perception of me with the whole unvarnished truth. Lack of acceptance indicates an absence of unconditionalism. Unconditional love is what my soul needs to feel secure. And if in a decade you haven't found it within yourself to offer that to me...well then pardon me as I exit your life.

I have no regrets about the steps I took to remove his influence over my heart. But at times, I miss him. How could I not? I loved him like no other, so his impact is everlasting. So much history...many stories I could tell of an insanely complicated but oddly satisfying relationship we were both hard pressed to let go of. Most of the time I think of him...and smile.

Other times, it's not at all hard to recall how I played myself for this dude. The silly hoe shit that I did to hold him...convince him of my potential wifey worth. I mean...this dude gave me tunnel vision. "I just want him to be mine; then everything else will fall into place." Yeah man, it was like that.

Never again. Best believe if I get caught up, then ole boy is going to be just as hopelessly entangled. Or nothing at all.

Forreal. I've been out of the relationship game too long to be half-assing it when I get back in it. Next dude that steps to me better have his ducks in a row. Ain't gone be no "oh let me be this version of Lisa so as not to overwhelm him." Or him fucking with me at a distance because I've got the kind of pussy that has a nigga thinking about his life and the choices he's made and shit.

Yeah I said it.

At any rate I can say at this point that I'm very Veruca Salt about the sort of man I'd like to be dealing with. I want what I want dammit! And really can't begin to imagine settling for less.

I can't say I know where this attitude is going to lead me....but it's gotta be better than where I've been.

Posted by Lisa at December 9, 2006 01:32 PM