I've tried so hard to fight it, engaging in practical magic of a sort. I indulge only briefly in daydreams and flights of fancy; search for that old comfort in the pragmatic. See it's that whole too much of a good thing issue. And you are so good to me and for me. I write of you...for you, because...it simply feels good. I love the way you flow me through me; when I sit in low light and silence and think of you. And how
At odd moments, I want to hear your voice...on the phone. Tone and timbre aurally molesting me; causing various parts of me to bloom and...leak (love). Call me...and we shall speak of the most mundane things...if you like. But I will cradle that phone to my ear as if it were my love. Still, eyes closed, soul smiling...secretly enjoying that little peace of you.
I look at you sometimes and...it overwhelms me. I've always seen you, so light-filled...regal as Ramsses and as unapproachably beautiful as Adonis. Could I be your Nefertari...or will I have to play Aphrodite and seduce you? Sequester you somewhere lush and steamy hot and make you mine. I could, you know...woo you. Convince you with word, thought, and action that...here is where you should be. I can cut the lingering threads that connect to you to that plugged perception of what you should like, want, desire...but something is missing. I suppose it's that though I am a conqueror I am not an invader. I won't pillage. I want you to give over. Surrender.
It both amuses and infuriates me that you feel as if I should fear you. Just because my evolution has been quiet, it makes it no less significant than yours. There is power here as well. You greatly underestimate me...but that's good. I love surprises; especially when I'm the one doing the surprising. I feel that you see the most of me...the real me...love me. But even you, like the others don't see the all of me. You still don't recognize me, do you?
And then I think of how we be, how we feel...elemental. Cellular level longing and atomic intensity. Feels like when together, we are so.much.more than we are apart. Do you feel that? I do sometimes...can't shake the truth and rightness of it from my bones. Want to know more of it. Am certainly not afraid of it, because it's what I've been waiting for.
But I won't wait forever. Life moves, as it is often wont to do; and with it so do I. I feel myself plunging forward again...learning, growing, expanding. Becoming even more the I and less the girl. The girl who fell in love so foolishly, so quickly. You transformed me - jade into soapstone. Malleable, willing and pining was I for that spill of light from your barely cracked door. Craved the warmth of it on my skin.
No longer though. I've learned that I have enough light within me to keep me warm; even on dead of winter nights.
Life is moving. And I would love to take you on this ride with me. But if you don't want to, are afraid, are not physically, mentally, or emotionally prepared...whatever the reason. If any of those things...I will be fine. We always think we've reach the zenith of a thing when we're really at the midpoint. So I look forward to what the passage of time will bring...
even without you.
Posted by Lisa at October 18, 2006 01:36 AM