I find it amazing that we give others so much damn power over our happiness. And we seem to just hand it over with little thought to future consequences. Happiness and satisfaction with self should always be manifested within. Why do we allow people to break our spirits, our hearts...twist and bend our wills? We really need to wake up to the shit we do before we do it..I included.
When it comes to men and the situations in which I tend to get entangled involving them, I almost always blame myself when things go wrong. Every bad situation sends me spiraling into a pit of lengthy self-reflection. I feel pressed to look within and somehow extricate that element within me that I become temporarily convinced invites the negativity that I sometimes experience. The most recent (bout 3 mos. ago) foolishness I wrote about in TMI:
Ice Tray is out permanently. Long story short, last time we got together his schlong wouldn't perform. I let it go because he was a nice dude and I didn't wanna dump him imeejutely like other girls have done. He wasted a whole month out of my life making and breaking dates. He finally admitted that he can't get over not being able to perform that night and he's now too embarrassed to hang out with me. Then he expressed his intent to be all Christian and shit and stop messing with women period. Sweeet. I done scared a nigga back to church. Score one for jeefus! I let him know I thought he was weak and left the situation alone. Honestly, dudes like him make me wanna give up, go sit in the corner and stick random objects up my pussy. Ugh. Why even bother?
For a couple of weeks after that went down I was so damn blowed. It wasn't so much about his wang not rising to the occasion, because I was observant enough to know that he was indeed physically attracted to me. It was the fact that he couldn't overcome his embarrassment enough to try and get past it. So I wondered what it was that he found wanting within me? What did I do wrong (this time)? So I looked and looked...and didn't find a damn thing. First of all, he had morality issues that obviously were snowballing long before he met me. There were warning signs of such that I chose to ignore because I liked him as a person (when I'm into someone I tend to be a bit too forgiving). Second of all the embarrassment attached to not being able to get one's soldier to rise to the occasion is abject, I'm told. That being the case, no matter how cute, fun, and intelligent I am, the nigga was not about to look me in the eye ever again.
But I was still hurt at first, because I'm only human. And after that happened I ran back into hiding. No mas, I said. I've become convinced that when it comes to matters of love, fuckery always lies ahead. That in itself is enough to keep me celibate, legally single, and ironically saner than I've ever been (it's all relative people). I will admit that it is part fear that keeps me single. Fear that the possession that seems to come part and parcel with commitment will force me to sacrifice parts of self to which I had every intention of holding on. And fear that no man will ever love me as much as I love my damn self.
All the shit I've been through has turned me into a commitment-phobe. And I don't trust men. In the past five years, every.single.time. I've allowed myself to come out of my shell, to be open to the possibilities of love, I've gotten burned. I've been forcibly convinced to have sex, lied to, run away from, deeply disrespected, and just generally left in the lurch. And after all is said and done, the older and smarter I get, the more my suspicions are confirmed: I'm too gotdamn great to be going through it like that. I don't deserve this shit. Yes I do concede that I'm a morbid slightly bipolar bitch with a booty more gelatinous than it has a right to be. But you had just better damn believe that I remain the shit and niggas need to up their game times 1,000,000 before they step to me. Hmph.
The one man I trust...well it's because I know he has no designs on me. I tend to become ultra comfortable around men that I know aren't physically attracted to me. Heh. A psychiatrist could have a field day with that one.
There is something that is causing this overwhelming apathy I feel about the concept of long-term relationships. Mayhap it's because I'm convinced that I will never really get what I want...
For now I remain convinced that being alone is best. I'm such a weirdo...clearly at this point in time I'd just ruin some poor chap's life. In addition to that, it has become increasingly evident there are some truths (mainly spiritual) about self that still need to be unearthed.
And I just can't really concentrate on doing that with a dick swinging in my face.
Posted by Lisa at November 11, 2004 09:36 PM