It occurred to me that some of my TMI entries exist solely because I was hesitant about posting "serious" topics in my regular journal. I was also concerned about stepping on some emotional toes, but that's no longer a concern either. So when I feel like entertaining myself I'll make some of my private posts public. Lucky y'all...wheeee!
Original Post 7-23-04: Updates: Ice Tray is out permanently. Long story short, last time we got together his schlong wouldn't perform. I let it go because he was a nice dude and I didn't wanna dump him imeejutely like other girls have done. He wasted a whole month out of my life making and breaking dates. He finally admitted that he can't get over not being able to perform that night and he's now too embarrassed to hang out with me. Then he expressed his intent to be all Christian and shit and stop messing with women period. Sweeet. I done scared a nigga back to church. Score one for jeefus! I let him know I thought he was weak and left the situation alone. Honestly, dudes like him make me wanna give up, go sit in the corner and stick random objects up my pussy. Ugh. Why even bother?
Cali is a flake. Plain and simple. But he's a lovable weirdo. Dunno why. I like men with quirks; for example Ofc. Friendly with his predilection towards spouting butchered french and doing magic tricks. Eccentricity is endearing to me. Guess cause I'm a weirdo too.
Photoshop, ponder, dream, inhale, download, exhale, photoshop...
I can't focus on any one thing these days. Sleep either, which is why my insomnia is back with a vengeance. I can easily stay up til 6am on most nights, doing any number of the above things.
So here I am. In a...mood of sorts. Some amalgamation of horniness and lucid dreaminess. Languid as all hell. I want to write and ramble a little (I know how much certain people love that), but I don't know if I have the energy to even transmit all the thoughts flitting through my head. I get distracted too easily. Bah.
I noticed there is a severe lack of TMI-oriented material up in here. Like...limited sex talk and whatnot. Hey it ain't my fault I couldn't get dick even if I red tagged my pussy! I need to pay somebody a finder's fee for some wang.
Dudes are not ready for me. And I'm not saying that because I'm overflowing with self-love and delusional tendencies. I'm speaking from past and current experience. Men want a freak...but freakiness is rather superficial. What they aren't open to or prepared for is passion. It is an entirely different ballgame. Passion burns, incites, ignites, and transforms. It's no wonder that folks chicken out and go for mid-range "freaky" sex. Passion is nothing to play with.
When men ask me what my fantasies are I usually say I have none. At least not any situation-specific ones like doing it on the hood of a car in the rain and all that involved foolishness. I fantasize about...making love to someone with whom I am in completes exual harmony. Someone with whom I can be free. Loose. I need someone I can...consume. Inhale. Taste. Savor. I want to be submerged in sensation. Lost and found. Open and laid bare to each other. Spirits seeking. Souls colliding. Submission. Ascension. Pulsate. Vibrate. Thrum. Fluid. Wet. Heat. Tantric. Karmic. Drip. Slip. Slide. Meld. Nibble. Lave. Lick. Suck. Love. Be.
I want someone that makes it easy to...give in and give over. Coming from someone who values her self-control that's rather heavy. But I'm a grown woman and not trying to play freaky games. Lite sex would tide me over sure enough, but it isn't what compels me to do what I do. I crave much more.
I used to think one had to be in a serious relationship to achieve the sort of sexual bliss that I seek. I still waver about this, but more often than not I think that it's more about trust and having the proper mindstate. Going into it whole and knowing. I don't want to be committed to, I want to be loved. Adored. Traditional rules and regulations need not apply. We can love and worship without. We can transcend and map out our own personal definitions of what love is; what it is to belong to someone...if only briefly. As long as we both agree this is what we want and what makes us happy, there should be no problems.
Understanding. Overstanding. Accord. Fantasy indeed.
Posted by Lisa at November 9, 2004 01:51 AM